Why Skiing is the Worst

Ski season is upon us, and I’d be lying if I said I was excited. Yes, my lack of enthusiasm for this sport is something I should be shamed for by fellow Colorado residents (why do I even live here?!). But any likable aspects of this sport are instantly torn down by all that is terrible about it.

I’m sorry, but skiing is the worst. Here are the things I hate about it:

  • Being asked in July what ski pass you’re getting, and facing appalled reactions when you don’t know, or worse, might not drop $600 to go skiing a few times.
  • Leaving at 4 a.m. to beat the traffic, only to realize that you can never beat the traffic. IT IS UNSTOPPABLE! Except for the fact that it doesn’t move… IT IS UNGOABLE!
  • Feeling like a giant child when you can’t buckle your ski boots and need to request assistance.
  • Walking in ski boots. How are more people not injured on the journey from the parking lot to the lift?
  • Spending $150 every time you want to see your friends between November and April. Should have gotten a pass, bro.
  • Losing your friends and spending half the day trying to find them again.
  • Sitting on chairlifts with strangers and enduring the same small talk over and over and over… “Yes, the snow is great today!”
  • The anxiety and mental preparation that goes into exiting the chairlift.
  • Trying really hard not to get run over by hoards of people on skis and snowboards.
  • Trying really hard not to run over children, who use the magic power of pizza carving to slow down time on steep runs.
  • Having the lunch options of a $15 burger, a smushed pocket sandwich or a tooth-cracking protein bar.
  • Trying to find a seat in the lodge. Or trying to find your friends in the lodge. Basically going to the lodge under false pretenses that it will make for a nice, relaxing break.
  • Walking up and down stairs in ski boots. Seriously. How are there not more injuries?
  • The feeling of re-buckling your ski boots after temporarily freeing your feet and shins during a break.
  • Wearing ski boots.
  • Ski boots.
  • Pretending it’s normal to have a stream of mucus flowing from your face all day.
  • Watching people blatantly disregard the common courtesy rules of lift lines. The scum of society…
  • Surprise moguls.
  • Having a killer arm workout after someone cuts you off on a catwalk, stopping what little momentum you were trying so hard to keep.

Sometimes the freedom, thrill, and pure energy that comes from cruising down a mountain puts a huge smile on my face, and I think, “Maybe I could get into this.” But then I enter the lift line. And promptly remember that I hate skiing.

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